


Five Ways To Be A Better Auspistice

by Ellesra



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Ashen Romance | Auspistice, Hinting towards background relationships, Pesterlog Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-24
Updated: 2014-03-24
Packaged: 2018-01-16 06:16:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1335097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellesra/pseuds/Ellesra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alternatively: how Eridan followed exactly none of the advice given to him</p><p>(prompt for kinkmeme)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Ways To Be A Better Auspistice

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]  
CA: kan  
CA: you alwways talk about your ashen skills and all  
CA: can you help me?  
GA: It Seems You Are For Once Being A Decent Troll And Asking For My Assistance  
GA: Though I Have Never Boasted Of Such An Acquisition  
GA: Who Does It Concern  
CA: wwell you know  
CA: karkats been all ovver that bluetexting human  
CA: and really thats not gonna end wwell  
CA: you knoww its not gonna end wwell kan  
GA: And You Believe You Are The Best Troll To Get Involved  
CA: someones gotta do it  
GA: Perhaps It Would Be Better If I Were To Step In  
CA: no find your owwn fish to fry  
CA: i can totally deal wwith this  
CA: karkat wwill nevver knoww wwhat hit him  
GA: That Was An Entirely Unnecessary Amount Of Ws  
CA: wwho evven cares  
CA: anywway wwill you help me  
GA: …  
GA: Very Well

**1\. Know The Ones You Shall Be Auspiticing**  
caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]  
CA: hey  
CA: wwhat are you up to  
CG: OH GOG NOT YOU AGAIN.  
CG: I THOUGHT I JUST TOLD YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE.  
CG: OR IS THAT TOO MUCH TO PROCESS FOR YOUR TINY FECESFILLED FISHBRAIN.  
CA: calm dowwn i just wwanted to talk  
CA: not like wwe havve that much to do around here anywways  
CG: SO YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TALK ABOUT FEFERI.  
CA: cod its not like shes all i think about  
CG: EXCUSE ME IF I'M NOT CONVINCED.  
CA: i really wwasnt gonna talk about her ok  
CA: actually i wwanna knoww howw youre doing  
CG: WHAT.  
CG: ARE YOU COMING ON TO ME.  
CG: ARE YOU SERIOUSLY THINKING I WANT YOUR BEDRAGGLED HANDS PAPPING MY FACE.  
CG: I KNOW WHAT KIND OF SHITTY MOIRAIL YOU MAKE.  
CG: NOT INTERESTED, SCUMFACE.  
CA: hey you dont havve to be so rude  
CA: wwhat makes you think i wwant you pale anywway  
CA: like your screaming in my face wwould calm me or anything  
CG: I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS. GO BOTHER SOMEONE ELSE.  
CA: fine  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA]

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB]  
CA: hey  
CA: your name is john right  
EB: uhm.  
EB: hi?  
EB: no wait you're one of the trolls.  
CA: wwoww rude  
CA: saying that like its some kinda bad thing  
CA: im gonna do you a favvor  
CA: and youre gonna be totally thankful  
CA: you and karkat should stop wwith the flirtin  
EB: who's karkat?  
CA: …  
CA: havve a feeling this is the wwrong time to step in  
caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB]  
EB: … ok.  
EB: i'm just going to block you then.  
ectoBiologist [EB] blocked caligulasAquarium [CA]

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB]  
CA: you knoww wwho karkat is noww right  
EB: oh yes.  
EB: we're best buddies now.  
EB: me and karkat, riding into the sunset.  
EB: you should totally join us! karkat definitely wants you to!  
CA: wwhat  
CA: are you sure  
CA: also wwhy wwould you ride into the sunset  
CA: thats the stupidest ashen date ivve evver heard of  
EB: you bet.  
EB: most romantic ashen date ever.  
EB: us three man. we are the ashen bros.  
CA: holy carp

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]  
CA: howw far havve you gotten wwith talkin wwith john  
CA: karkat  
CA: this is important  
CA: you havve to answwer  
CA: this is no time to be a idle troll  
CA: life and death karkat  
CA: im dyin here

**2\. There Will Often Be A Need For Assertiveness**  
caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB]  
CA: egbert  
CA: i havve decided to troll you linearly so you actually knoww wwhats goin on  
CA: i really think wwe need to have a date  
EB: wow there big guy going a bit fast here aren't we.  
CA: really? howw?  
EB: well i don't know how you look yet.  
EB: cant date someone you haven't seen before!  
EB: that would be weird!  
CA: yeah i guess  
CA: and yeah me and karkat knoww howw you look so its only right you get a pic as wwell  
caligulasAquarium [CA] sent ectoBiologist [EB] file “this is me.jpg”  
EB: wow.  
EB: nice manip.  
CA: wwhat do you mean  
EB: hehe. nothing. :p  
CA: cool i guess  
CA: i was thinkin wwe could do the date wwith a group chat or meme or somethin  
CA: since wwe cant meet in person an all  
CA: tho that wwould have been the best way  
EB: sure  
EB: i'll be waiting for the invite then!  
caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB]

CURRENT caligulasAquarium [CCA] opened a memo on board fuckin movvie levvel ashen romance up in here.  
caligulasAquarium [CCA] invited carcinoGeneticist [CG] to memo.  
caligulasAquarium [CCA] invited ectoBiologist [EB] to memo.

**3\. You Should Presume To Be Calm At All Times**  
CCA: first i just wwanna say that i really think this arrangement wwill wwork out  
CCA: and also that its for the best  
CCA: because you knoww a human and a troll  
CCA: black  
CCA: its bound to be catastrophic  
FUTURE ectoBiologist [FEB] 461 021 302 YEARS FROM NOW responded to memo.  
FEB: haha, wow.  
FEB: i don't think i've ever spoken to more than one of you at a time.  
FEB: you're really taking the trolling to another level!  
CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CCG: WHAT THE TAINTCHAFING FUCK ARE YOU TWO MINDLESS IMBECILES ON ABOUT.  
FEB: we are playing some ash game, karkat!  
FEB: if that is your real name, that is!  
CCG: HOLY MOTHERGRUB YOU DEUCED IDIOT YOU TOLD HIM MY NAME DIDN'T YOU.  
CCA: haha your name is feb  
CCG: WHATEVER GAVE YOU THE IDEA THAT ANY OF THIS WOULD BE OK.  
CCA: thats kinda really fittin  
CCG: OF ALL THE NUMBINGLY DUMB THINGS TO DO.  
CCG: THIS IS REALLY PASSING A LINE.  
CCG: THIS IS PASSING THE LINE SO FAR YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE SOME KIND OF SIGHT IMPAIRMENT BECAUSE NO ONE COULD MISS THAT BAD WITH THEIR SENSES STILL INTACT.  
FEB: what's a feb?  
CCG: FEB IS THE WORD FOR SOMEONE WHO HAS A QUADRANT THAT IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BLOOD SPECTRUM.  
CCG: ALSO A TERM THAT IS UNFITTING IN THIS SITUATION, SEEING AS THERE ARE NO QUADRANTS IN SIGHT!  
CCG: IN FACT, THE ONLY SQUARE I'VE SEEN THIS PERIGEE IS THE HUSKTOP SCREEN.  
CCG: THERE IS SO LITTLE ROMANCE IN MY GODFORSAKEN LIFE IT'S EVEN A RELIEF.  
CCG: DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY SHITTY QUADRANTS I'VE HAD MY MEMOS OVERRUN WITH?  
CCG: A SHITLOAD.  
CCG: NOT THAT I CARE.  
CCG: I'VE PUT THE HORRIBLE MISTAKE OF MAKING MEMOS BEHIND ME.  
CCA: this isnt about anyone askin your help  
CCA: this is me steppin in karkat  
CCG: WHAT.  
CCG: WHAT COULD THERE POSSIBLY BE FOR YOU TO MEDDLE WITH.  
CCG: AND IF YOU WERE GONNA TROLL THE JOHN HUMAN, WHY BRING ME INTO IT.  
FEB: it really is a thing you do!  
FEB: but i really don't get why!  
FEB: why can't you guys just leave us alone?  
CCA: thought you said you and karkat wwere ridin some kinda  
CCA: dunno  
CCA: brothing?  
FEB: haha that sounds like making broth  
CCA: makin wwhat?  
CCG: I BELIEVE YOU HAVE BEEN BADLY TRICKED BY THIS PIECE OF SHIT ALIEN, ERIDAN.  
CCG: AND LOOK! A RANDOM NAME APPEARS!  
CCG: I AM SO SORRY ERIDAN AMPORA, FOR GIVING YOUR NAME AWAY! CAN YOU EVER FORGIVE ME?  
CCA: oh my fucking cod wwhat is even goin on  
CCA: thought you wwere pitch for this guy??  
FEB: you guys are so weird.  
CCG: OH.  
CCG: I GET IT NOW.  
CCG: YOU'RE THINKING THIS IS A THING.  
CCG: THAT WE'RE A THING.  
CCG: THAT IS SO PANWASTINGLY DEPLORABLE I MIGHT JUST START PUKING OUT EVERYTHING I HAVEN'T EVEN EATEN TODAY.  
CCG: YOU REALLY MUST BE DESPERATE, MAKE-BELIEVING THIS INTO ANY SORT OF ANACLISIS.  
FEB: are you sure you aren't in denial karkat??  
CCA: hey calm dowwn  
FEB: i mean you guys seem pretty perfect for each other.  
CCA: wwait wwhat

**4\. Make Sure Not To Only Take One Side (Unless Absolute Certain One Of Them Is Right. If So, Be Gentle)**  
CCA: uhm  
CCG: BULGENUZZLING FUCKING MESSIAHS.  
CCG: YOU'VE GOTTEN HIM STARTED.  
CCG: SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE ERIDAN?  
CCG: THIS IS A FUCKER THAT NEVER STOPS SPEWING SHIT ONCE HE STARTS. HIS MUNCHER JUST WORKS UNTIL NOTHING IS LEFT BUT AN ALLCONSUMING RAGEGASM AND YOU REALLY JUST WANT TO CHOKE HIM TO DEATH WITH YARN.  
FEB: haha, yarn?  
CCG: YES YARN YOU IMBECILIC TAINTLICKER.  
CCA: ok, wwell this is wwhere i come in and tell you to calm dowwn  
CCA: both of you  
CCA: i guess  
CCG: YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS, SEAPISSER?  
CCG: IT'S TIME FOR ME TO POP OFF AND DO STUFF THAT'S ACTUALLY WORTH MY FUCKING TIME.  
CCG: HOPEFULLY THIS THING WON'T BE A REPEAT PERFORMANCE.  
FEB: yeah, well.  
FEB: i've got some bubblemouththingies that want my attention.  
FEB: but yeah this has been fun! haha  
FEB: farewwell ;)  
CCA: did he just??  
CCG: NEVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN.  
CCG: EVER.

**5\. Be Trustworthy**  
CCA: did you guys leavve?  
CCA: bye  
CCA: i guess  
CCA closed memo.  
  
caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]  
CA: kanaya it didnt wwork  
GA: Karkat Was Disinclined To Form An Auspistice With You  
CA: wwell  
CA: no  
CA: kinda  
CA: you knoww wwhat i think i fucked up  
CA: also i kinda found another square of interest and its pretty bad  
GA: Oh?  
CA: uhm  
CA: glub


End file.
